FINALLY BACK!!!

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I have SO many things to say that I have no idea where to start even…

I have been absent because I bought a house and moved. The company that provides my internet had not laid cable to the little community that I moved to. Long story short: They were laying cable, ran into issues, and it wound up being MONTHS until they finally got it completed.

However, our adventure with getting the internet are still not over… Our modem is not working properly so the internet is up and down, weak even when up, and the Ethernet connection isn’t working at ALL… So I’m stuck using my laptop for the time being. Which for some wouldn’t be an issue…. But I can do so much more on my PC… Remember, I’m a gamer… lol

Wait… You BOUGHT a house???

Yes, I did. After my parents passed away I took in their pets, which resulted in me losing my old apartment. My best friend took us all in and we lived in her basement for awhile. Some rentals would take cats and not dogs, others would take dogs and not cats, and others took both but only small dogs… I have a lab-mix which is over their size limit. Then I found a nice little quiet community, a gem really, just outside of town. They accepted all of us… However, my bad credit score wasn’t good enough to rent…

It was cashing my share of Dad’s 401k that saved us… There was a mobile home for sale within my price range, and the community managers were wonderful and worked with me. So now I own a home in this wonderful little community. I love it!

I am “Officially” Autistic

Before I was “self-diagnosed” as they would say, and because of that several didn’t take me seriously. It was suspected I was autistic, but I had never had a professional diagnosis… Until now.

About a month ago I went in and went through a bunch of testing. Yep. I’m autistic. The reason I finally went in for the testing is because my daughter’s psychiatrist will be able to better help her, and I can get help as well.

I’m hoping that they can get me where I can hold employment and function better just in everyday life. For Betsey, now autism will be considered because it is hereditary. This means that my Mom and/or Dad carried the autism gene… And personally, I think my Mom was a bit autistic herself.

This diagnosis will also help them better understand my little brother… As I’m 100% positive now that he is autistic. I talked with my psychiatrist/neurologist about him, and she thinks so as well.

Tomorrow, 11/20/17, I have a follow up appointment with them to see if I can be employed… Or if I need to file for disability… I personally am hoping for the first. I want to go to school and become an esthetician and work in the beauty industry.

I think that’s it for now…

I will be posting some BIG NEWS here soon! So keep your eye out for it!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am back and will be able to post regularly now. If you have any questions, never hesitate to ask! I’m typing super fast right now so may have missed something and it might be confusing… Just let me know!

 

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The Journey of Family Healing

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Yesterday we met with my daughter’s behaviorist for the first time. Let’s start first with how she got recommended to a behaviorist in the first place.

She has behavior ticks. For example, rolling her eyes up and to the side as she spreads all of her fingers on one hand. Sometimes this even included a pattern of deep breaths. She also has, very obviously, OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) tendencies. For example, she has to dry her hands on multiple towels if they are present, lines things up, sets things in certain places, counts nearly everything, must finish doing a set activity before doing what she needs to do. If you interrupt her pattern, move an object she placed, interrupt her counting, interrupt her current activity, take away a towel and not let her use it, etc., She becomes unrealistically upset and acts as if you have physically assaulted her in some way. It is like it physically hurts her. We told her pediatrician of these things and he recommended her to a behaviorist. Better to be safe than sorry later on. I want to be a good Mom, I want to do what is best for Betsey. I love her more than life itself.

Before we went there…

I was totally under the assumption that I would be told it is normal childhood behavior. Betsey is normal, just with some odd ticks. I would get some parenting advice on how to deal with her OCD issues. Maybe even how to curb them somehow, make them stop.

But that isn’t how things played out at all…

The specialist observed Betsey. Watched her play with toys, seen her behavior ticks, and asked her questions. During this time I, of course, got nervous because I noticed the specialist also watching me just as much as she was watching Betsey. She talked to me and asked me questions as well before moving on to Todd, Betsey’s Dad. She told me I need to be taking ADHD medication and pointed out why. I couldn’t argue because I have been diagnosed with ADHD and what she said was right on point about my own behavior. But first, let’s focus on Betsey.

What we learned about my little girl wasn’t as positive as I had hoped…

We learned that Betsey is hyposensitive, not to be confused with hypersensitive. In other words, she doesn’t feel things properly. She doesn’t feel things as strongly as others do. This is also why she has a high pain tolerance.  This is also why she seeks small, tight places, being held and hugged, snuggling, and co-sleeping. She also likes her back rubbed and to be tickled on her back, arms, legs, and toes. She seeks sensation. She seeks to feel.

At this time Todd pointed out that I, too, have a high pain tolerance. I thought about, but didn’t say anything at that time, that I like to sleep under a giant stuffed fox. Yes, under. Sometimes I snuggle with it, but most times I put it on top of me. I like the weight.

So we learned something about both Betsey and myself. We are both hyposensitive.

We also learned that Betsey’s outrages aren’t normal. This I kind of already knew. It isn’t just with the OCD that she has outrages… It is also in routine. It can be something as simple as carrying her book bag from the car to the house that sets her on a hellbent tantrum. An example of this is Daddy always carried her things. It got to the point where she was just dropping it on the ground and saying, “Carry this Daddy”. When I was present I made her carry it herself telling Todd he is spoiling her. She screamed bloody murder, sobbed, and made a huge scene in front of the house. I thought I was doing good by not giving in and making her carry it. Come to find out, I was and I wasn’t… I had the right idea in mind, but I went about it the wrong way. This happens with many different things that I hadn’t even thought of before.

I learned I need to change my parenting, and a lesson in medications.

First I will address my own ADHD and get it out of the way quickly… 

I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back, but stopped taking my meds simply because I didn’t like the way they made me feel. Fast forward to yesterday… I learned that despite how it makes me feel, I should be taking them. Not just for myself, but for the sake of Betsey.

Anyone that is close to me knows I get frustrated quickly with leads to anger. I also have a horrendous time remembering things, important things, and my train of thought very often ends up completely derailed and in a pile of rubbage on a mountain in my brain somewhere. Just writing blog posts is hard. As I sit here my mind is going faster than my fingers ever will be able to and I have at least 100 different thoughts hitting me at once. It is very very hard for me to focus and concentrate on anything and it is getting worse. So bad, in fact, that I often can’t even remember what I ate yesterday for dinner.

Back to the easily frustrated and angry bit. This is not helping my parenting at all! I know this… I know I have little patience, get overwhelmed quickly, stressed, and frustrated. But what I didn’t know is that these things are actually part of my ADHD! This is why I need on medication to help Betsey. I will be able to parent much better. I had no idea that these things were due to ADHD.. And could be solved with a pill. Thus I will get back on it for the sake of my daughter.

Secondly, Betsey needs meds too…

This was hard for me to accept. Both Todd and I have always been very strongly against medicating children for such things as ADD. We always said that most kids are normal and that things can be dealt with without medications. I looked negatively on others for medicating their children. Thinking they just wanted to be “lazy” and have their kids in an “obedient zombie” state so that they can do what they wanted to do… I owe all of those parents a HUGE apology…

I admit I was shocked when a medication was brought up. I kind of froze unbelievingly. Todd and I both hesitated a lot. The specialist explained that it won’t change Betsey at all (like into an “obedient zombie”), but it will take the edge off of her outbursts. It will also help her to sleep better at night as she often wakes during the night… Nearly every night and sometimes multiple times during one night. Getting a good night’s rest will also help with her overall behavior during the day.

So by the end, Todd and I agreed to try it. But, of course, medications are not the end solution. Other things need to change…

A lesson in parenting…

Nearly everything I was doing… Was wrong. Does that make me a horrible parent? No, it doesn’t. As parents, it is a learning experience. We all mess up at some point and none of us are perfect. It is even harder when our little ones have issues such as Betsey’s… And even harder than that when we have issues as well, like me.

What is basically happening is that Betsey and I “butt heads”. She has her way that she needs to do something and I have mine. (For those of you that don’t know, I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I’m also going to be seeing a woman that specialized in autism in adults because of a professional counselor as well as my doctor thinks that I am autistic as well. With self-analyzation and researching I’ve done, I agree.)

So let’s say Betsey is reading a Ty Beanie Baby tag and I need her to put her socks and shoes on now because we are already running late getting ready for school. I get frustrated, take the bean-filled animal away in my fit of anxiety and frustration and tell her she can read it after she gets her shoes on. Because she keeps reading it and ignoring me and not doing as she’s told! This results in her throwing a tantrum, my anxiety and frustration getting worse and just an overall disaster. It also results in harming the relationship in between my daughter and I. Before now, I would have told you I took her toy away because she wasn’t listening, just like any parent would, right? But given each of our issues… We end up getting angry at one another and our actions feed each other’s bad behavior in a way… I hope that kind of makes sense, I’m having trouble putting it into words.

What I can do to make things better besides just getting back on my ADHD medication is to change how I approach nearly everything. I need to have more patience with her, I need to give her warnings way ahead of time, I need to change the way I punish her for misbehaving, and also take all emotion out of punishment as well. If I’m frustrated or angry I need to do my best to suppress it and be as neutral as possible. I need to talk everything out in detail as to why things are happening differently that she’s used to as well.

Examples:

The bookbag incident mentioned earlier could have been prevented entirely. What I should have done is explain to her that Daddy will carry it for one last time today, but from the next day on she is to carry it. (The forewarning gives her enough time to properly process and accept the change in routine.) Any change in her routine will now be handled this way.

Reading the Ty Beanie baby tag when she needs to get her shoes on. This happened this morning, and instead of letting the above-mentioned example incident happen, I just took a deep breath and let her finish reading it. But before she was done reading it I just said to her quickly, as to not interrupt her reading too much, “after you’re done reading that you need to put your socks and shoes on, ok?” She said ok and after she was done reading the tag she reached for another beanie-baby. I reminded her about her shoes and socks and I was delightedly surprised when she just said, “Oh, yeah. I forgot!” She put the toy down and went and got her socks and shoes on without a fight! I was beyond happy this morning. Both she and I did super well!

Punishments:

Punishments will only be in the form of time-outs from here forward. As stated above I will have a neutral attitude. I will calmly explain why she is in trouble and why she has to sit still for a given amount of time. This may not take any affect on her immediately, but the behaviorist assured me that this is something that needs persistence and if I stick with it, we will see a definite improvement in Betsey’s behavior.

So with persistence, patience, and more of an understanding of how to actually prevent a lot of outbursts, we will move forward to healing as a family.

So… What’s her diagnosis exactly?

There is none. The behaviorist said that she isn’t going to diagnose anything this early on. She wants to see her more, and see how well the changes and medications (for both Betsey and me) help. She wants more of a history built before she makes any kind of diagnosis. Which I like, actually. She isn’t slapping a diagnosis on her after seeing her only one time and for me, that actually tells me she is a good doctor. Yes, she is a doctor. A psychiatrist that specializes in child psychology.

Going forward…

Now instead of spending hours, and sometimes whole days, fighting her trying to get her to do as she is told right when she is told to do it… I will back off. I will tell her what needs to be done but let her finish her current activity before reminding her to go do whatever. When I want her to stop doing something, I will tell her I want her that after this time I want her to not do whatever it was again. In this way, it won’t feel like such an abrupt change to her and it won’t feel like a punishment to her to stop doing it. If she does something that she knows is bad, she will sit in a timeout.

Thus begins our journey of healing as a family. And I urge other parents to talk to their doctors and seek help if they need it. It really isn’t a bad thing. A lot of us, including myself, was in a mindset that if we need help, we can’t be good parents… But that is far from the truth… If you need help and recognize that you do and seek help… Then that makes you a good parent. I want what is best for my daughter and so I set my pride to the side to help her.

One thing I would like to go back to real quick is the medication and why we chose to try it. One thing sticks in my mind that the behaviorist pointed out to us. Because of privacy laws, she can’t say who… But she did tell us that she works with many children and lots of parents against medications… She said that those that don’t try it when it is needed, end up hurting the relationship between parent and child. The child grows older and then it is harder to treat because not only does the child need medication, but now the child has had a lot of negativity between parent and child which makes things much worse. I don’t want this for Betsey. This also includes me getting back on the meds that I need as well. Trying the medication this early on will help in determining what she will/won’t need in the future. It helps us now so that we can avoid future negative complications.

Now we will put all of the negativity behind us and heal. I want Betsey and me to have a better relationship. I want her to have a better relationship with her Dad. I want what is best for her. I want her to grow up strong and with a strong foundation (family).

-Zeftaria

 

 

 

Temporary… Life is this as well.

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The daily prompt today is “temporary”. The first thing that popped into my mind was “life”.

After recently losing both of my parents just weeks apart from one another… I realized just how temporary our lives really are.

Things are temporary. We buy things and then they break, become out-dated and replaced, we lose interest in them, and when we die they are just junk we left behind.

Memories are temporary. They die with us… We will be remembered by those we loved, but then they will die and with them the memories of us. It may be a bit morbid to think of such things, but it is true. We all fully die, even memories of us, as time goes on. Not all of us are like Plato, Socrates, De Vinci, and other such famous names. But even with them, though memories seem immortal, passed down from generation to generation… They are only memories and remnants of their works, memories of their histories, etc. We don’t have memories of what they were like, their voices, their expressions of joy or sorrow. We remember them as we do any other event in history, not truly as people. In this way, memories are only ever temporary.

People are temporary. They come into your life and go… As you do every day with all the people you interact with.

Everything is temporary… Everything you see around you will someday die and be replaced. Whether a flower, your pet, your loved ones, a stone at the end of your driveway… Our world is a temporary thing in a universe of temporary things.

Life is temporary… You live and then you die.

So live knowing these things, and spend what little time you have with those you love. Don’t get lost in materialism. Cherish every moment, good and bad. You won’t get another chance at that moment after it is gone it will be forever lost.

It is better to be poor and live a rich life than it is to be rich and live a poor life.

-Zeftaria

via Daily Prompt: Temporary

Changes Are Coming…

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Again, it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I’ve been going in and out of depression pretty badly, so have been mostly hiding. I haven’t been having an easy time, to say the least.

This all has caused me to do a lot of deep thinking. I need to find my balance, my center, again. I’ve been off-kilter for awhile now and I just miss how I used to be… I used to be happy and enjoying life for the most part. My depression wasn’t near as bad, nor was my anxiety.

So how can I get my old self back?

This is answered with more questions –

  1. What was I doing back then?
  2. What was my outlook on life like?
  3. What were my interests?
  4. What is different now that has a negative affect on my life?

The answers –

  1. I was true to myself… I dressed how I liked. I am goth at heart. I like creepy things, dark things, I like dressing dark. Things that I haven’t been able to do lately due to finances… I have a closet full of hand-me-downs and things I found for sale that was “okayish” that I have to deal with. I kept true to my interests and pursued things I liked despite any negative feedback from others. Simply put… I was me freely.
  2. My outlook on life was positive. I had hopes and dreams and thought I could reach the sky if I wanted to. Nothing could get in my way. I could achieve anything! Now… Not so much. I’ve become a parent, which stops me from doing a lot of things I had once dreamed of. That is okay, I love my daughter and wouldn’t trade her for the world. So my hopes and dreams have changed along with that… But also I have more doubt now. I’m older, 33, and I’m unemployed. I’m filing for disability. That hurts. So again I must rethink my life. Now I’m not so sure of anything anymore.
  3. My interests back then revolved around horses, and much to my family’s dismay, paganism. I was Wiccan back then. Despite that, I never lost my Christian beliefs. That’s a whole different story for another time. During my late 20’s I met a horse that put a fear of horses into me. I had lost all desire to ride or be around them. I felt completely lost as being around horses was my sole dream from when I was a kid. I think this is when my depression started to worsen as well. I was gutted and lost. As far as the Wiccan thing goes, I am a Christan now. Do I have the desire to go back to Wiccan? No, I don’t. Other interests I had were crafting and drawing. Things I abandoned as I got older and completely gave up when I became a Mom. Simply because I didn’t have the time. As far as gaming goes, I was a console gamer back then, but due to financial constraints, didn’t have that many different games. But I enjoyed what I had.
  4. I don’t do me. I’m not true to myself anymore. My outlook on life has become quite negative, even to the point of wishing I were dead. The only interest I have kept is gaming… But recently I’ve been losing interest in that as well… Not because I want to, mind you, but rather due to severe depression. It is horrible what severe depression can do to you, not only in your mind but also physically.

How can I improve myself?

Eating healthy is the first step. As much as I preach about eating right, I have fallen. When depression hits I stop caring about my health and this is bad. I eat things I shouldn’t, then feel like crap afterward, which just feeds my depression more. I need to be more vigilant when I’m in a depressed state and force myself to eat right.

I need to push myself to get physical activity in daily. I live a far too sedentary lifestyle. I used to workout 3 hours a day. I felt great at that time in my life. I need to push myself to get back to that. I will start slowly with 30 minutes to an hour of exercise and work my way up.

Back to Black. I am goth. I always have been and always will be. It’s in my veins. I’ve been dressing like a frumpy Mom for far too long now. I’ve tried to be “bright and colorful” to help make me happy… When really it actually just makes me more depressed. Why? Because it just isn’t who I am. I find it kind of funny that people automatically think that if you dress in all black that you must be depressed. For a lot of us, it is quite the opposite. I was happiest when I was shrouded in black.

Another big misconception of goth is that it is just a fashion… It is actually more than that. Mind you, everyone has their own personal opinion of what “goth” truly is… And even among goths, there is judgment. Anyway… Goth goes deeper than just fashion. It is part of who we are. We prefer night over day, darkness over light, the creepy and spooky things. For instance, I find snakes and spiders as adorable. I love anything skeletal. I would decorate in bones and black satin if I had the funds to do so! I love skeletons of animals especially. I find them fascinating and pretty. Think I’m weird? Yeah… A lot do. That, too, goes along with being “goth”.

[Fun fact: I also love anything super cute and pastel (kawaii)!]

So to get back in touch with myself and do me again… I will dress how I used to. Since I can’t afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe, I have instead invested in black fabric dyes. I’m also going to shop around for some cute patches that I can sew on. I have ideas in my head. Time to create!

About interests… Even though I lost my interest (more like obsession) with horses, I have others. Arts and crafts, writing, gaming, hobby farms, different cultures. The only thing that I kept true on is gaming. I don’t play on consoles hardly at all anymore, though… I’ve moved to PC gaming. I’ve just started to get back into drawing. Oh, how rusty I have become!!! But practice makes perfect and I will dig my talent back out eventually! I’ve also have gotten back into cross stitching and a new craft to me – felting. I’ve even gotten a digital drawing tool so that I can expand my art to the digital world. Writing… As much as I keep saying this and then not doing it… I really do want to keep this blog up more. Now that I have quit university, I will have more time to do so. Another thing that really blocked me was no content to really write about, or just not knowing what to write about… But with my new lifestyle changes in the coming weeks, I should have plenty of content worth documenting here! As far as hobby farms… That is a dream of mine now… To have a little hobby farm with cute little goats, chickens, miniature horses, and donkeys maybe… Llamas? I don’t know. It depends on how things go in the future. On the topic of other cultures, I like learning about them. I find other cultures fascinating and like learning about the differences in between them and the culture I grew up in. My particular favorites are Asian cultures. Especially Japan and South Korea.

So I’ve already begun the journey.

Things that I have changed in just the past couple of weeks… I’ve gotten back to my drawing. I’m dabbling also in digital art. I’ve started other crafts. These things added to my gaming make me happier in and of themselves. I still have lows, but I’m hoping after a bit more changes that I will have a more positive outlook on life and be much happier.

Sorry if this has been a TLDR…

I just enjoy writing here about things… When I have something to write about and my brain doesn’t blank out. lol

Let me know what you think. Do you think I’m on to something here? That I’m headed in the right direction?

Are you true to yourself? Why or Why not? What is stopping you if you aren’t?

Random Thoughts

I will also probably play around with the theme here on WordPress a bit. I feel like my entire blog needs an overhaul… I need to update nearly everything. My blog has gone in a completely different direction that I thought it would when I started it.

What is your favorite theme? What do you think would look nice on my blog? Any thoughts?

A Confession and Big Changes

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I don’t know how much I’m comfortable with sharing yet… But big changes are occurring in my life. One is good, the other I see as a negative…

I’m still unsure how to go about talking about this, but I will try.

Several days ago, before getting physically ill, I had what is called a “shut down”. I’ve had these before, but I had gotten very good at hiding them. If I was at work, I’d make an excuse to go to the bathroom and hide there for a bit. If I was at home around others… Same. But then one day I had nowhere to hide, no escape, nowhere to run. It happened in front of people for the first time ever in my adult life.

What is a shutdown?

A shut down is when you get so overwhelmed by everything around you that your brain finally says “enough” and kind of switches off. That’s the best way I can describe it. It sounds funny, but it’s anything but fun.

So, what happened to me?

It had been planned in advance that two men were to come and work on the electric wiring in the house. They were to add two new outlets, one for washer and another for the dryer. However, as that day neared I was already highly stressed due to other factors. I asked to reschedule and was under the impression that they would reschedule, so I let my guard down a bit and relaxed slightly. Then they showed up and pushed in anyway. Into my home, into my territory, into what was supposed to be my safe place. My friend, Betsey’s Dad, was here and he hung a curtain quickly in the living room doorway. I thought this would help. I have no doors, so a zebra striped shower curtain would have to serve as a visual block.

Now I’m very angry because I’m overwhelmed with stress. I felt it creeping up my spine… Anxiety attack. I wanted to scream. They were in the other room, in my home, moving my things around… You just don’t do that. My home wasn’t safe anymore according to my overloaded brain. I was trapped in the living room with my fiance, my ex, and our daughter. I was going to run to the bathroom, but because of where the men were working, the bathroom wasn’t available. This raised my anxiety more, and all the sensory blockades that I took years building and holding up finally failed… Every little noise in the house was on loudspeaker in my brain, the light in the room was overpowering to my eyes, and looking at my computer screen made me want to scream because of the brightness.

I HAD TO ESCAPE!!!

I couldn’t take it! Everything hitting me at once! I grabbed my daughter’s red puppy blanket and slung it over my head. I was going to make a run for it to my roommate’s bathroom upstairs. Because now on top of everything else I had to pee so bad it hurt!

Then it happened…

I had Betsey’s blanket on my head, standing in the doorway, my nose less than an inch away from the zebra-striped curtain… Frozen. Hypnotized by the pattern of the black stripes on the white background. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t function. All’s I could do was stand there and study those stripes totally hypnotized. I have no idea how long I stood there. Far too long… Probably ten minutes or more. Totally shut down, unable to do anything, unable to even speak.

When I “came to” I darted up to my roommate’s bathroom, and then got stuck there for a time as well.

I felt so ashamed and embarrassed…

I tell people all the time to never be ashamed or embarrassed of who they are as a whole. Advice that I need to learn to follow. See… I’ve never had to face people before… I had always hidden it. I sat in my roommate’s bathroom as I gathered back my wits, and realized that I couldn’t make some stupid excuse or story to those that had just witnessed what I had gone through.

At any workplace, I would happily tell them that I was puking or had diarrhea rather than admit to having a mental breakdown of any sort. I even recall one time that my boss would just not let me go… I lied and said I pooped my pants… That’s how desperate I was to get away from the sensory overload… I’d rather be seen as physically sick than admit to a mental deficiency.

I thought I had gotten over this, but it appears I haven’t. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I didn’t want to leave my roommate’s bathroom. Now I also had these emotions to contend with.

I finally pulled myself together and went back downstairs.

The workers left. I was extremely exhausted from what happened. The day went on and ended, and the next began…

That’s when he said it…

My ex, who is also my friend and my daughter’s Daddy, told me something I had never wanted to hear.

Nikki, I’m not trying to be mean or anything… But you should file for disability.”

I think I was silent for a few minutes as my brain absorbed that suggestion. Normally I would have gotten defensive, but this time I couldn’t. I couldn’t defend myself because he saw it happen. After I thought about it, all’s I could do was swallow my pride and admit he was right. Later I talked to my fiance about it and he also agrees.

I’m swallowing a lot of my pride just in publicly writing about this.

One of the things that popped into my head were… “But I had jobs before just fine…”

Right… “Just fine”… Who was I kidding? I got into trouble all the time for too many bathroom breaks, forgetting simple tasks, and saying really stupid things sometimes because of my lack of filter and total social awkwardness… Things I didn’t want to admit to, things I got defensive about… But now I have to finally take a step back and look at with a critical eye. Even if that means admitting that I cannot do things that “normal” people can.

So here I am… Swallowing my pride and filing for disability. Finally admitting I can’t function in the workplace…

I feel like shit. I feel so useless!!!

Why? Because I feel like this is me throwing in the towel for the rest of my life. I feel like I can never be successful or achieve my dreams.

But it isn’t true… Even though I have to admit I can’t work in a normal work environment, I will still figure out how to achieve my goals and dreams. I will stay in college, I won’t give up. I will find a way to work from home… But until then, I must file for disability so that I have an income to support my little girl.

I won’t give up. Betsey is watching me.

Despite the odds, I will find a way to succeed. Not for me anymore, but for my daughter. I want to set a good example for her. I want to provide for her. I want her to get the most out of life and become successful. I want her to be happy and have a good life.

I want her to see that when everyone is telling you that it is impossible, that there is always a way to make it possible with hard work and dedication.

To some people of my past…

There you have it… So many times I have heard that I am “lazy”, that I “don’t care”, or that I am a “slacker.” I finally stopped defending myself against those terms because I didn’t want to admit to the above. I would rather get termed everything negative than to admit a mental handicap… Well… Now you know why. I didn’t do something because I couldn’t. You know how horribly hard that is to admit?? That you can’t do things that everyone else finds simple??

IT SUCKS!!!

As far as the good change that I mentioned earlier…

Well, you’ll have to stay tuned for that… Because I can’t say anything about that publicly yet!

Uh Oh…

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I guess I created a bit of a stir with my post about loving Muslims. I have decided I will research Islam myself to become more knowledgeable. I have heard things from both sides that are good arguments, but it is still all “he said, she said”. I want to know for myself. I want to find the facts.

Therefore, in between my other daily tasks, I will research and seek the truth of it all. I will then write a new blog post with my findings, but it is going to take me time. If you have any sources you would like to share with me on Islam, please leave them in the comments. I plan on keeping an open mind and taking steps to make sure that I don’t let my own biases get in the way.

I will admit if I was wrong, but I won’t admit I’m wrong if I’m not. I need to educate myself more on this topic before I make any more biased posts about it.

I Love Muslims!

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It is sad that that has become such a bold statement nowadays…

“I Love Muslims!”

How dare I love such people! How dare I care for those “terrorists”!! I’m a traitor to my country!!! I’m just as bad as them!

Wrong.

How dare you judge someone based on their religious beliefs. How dare you judge me for loving people regardless of religious beliefs. You are an ignorant or what a “terrorist” actually is. You are ignorant of the Islamic faith.

From what I have seen, the group of people that are the most hateful toward Muslims, are Christians. Shame on you! You are hypocrites! Would Christ mock, shame, and hate on Muslims? Are you not supposed to follow Christ’s example? Where in the Bible does it say that it is ok to hate, mock, and judge someone else for their personal beliefs? Show me I dare you! In the Bible, it says to love everyone and to not judge. It says that judging is God’s job. Jesus sat with the tax collectors and sinners and showed them love and kindness. You sit with others of your own beliefs and sneer, judge, and mock others. HYPOCRITES!

Muslims are not terrorists.

Muslims see terrorists as sinners. They dislike them just as much as anyone else… Possibly more so since it is them that is the reason people wrongly judge them. Terrorists are a group of radicals that follow a twisted version of Islam. They are not true Muslims. True Muslims are a peaceful, passionate people that will give you the shirt off of their own back if you were in need. From my own, personal, experience, they are more welcoming, giving, kind, and caring than most Christians.

The hijab or head scaf.

A lot of modern Muslim women do not wear hijab anymore. A lot do, and a lot do not. I find it funny that people have such an issue with this. There is a similar example of hairdressing done by some branches of Christianity as well…  Take for example the Apostolic Christians who think it is very sinful for a woman to ever cut their hair, and they wear a trademark bun always. When they marry they add a lace-like small covering in front of their buns so that men know they are taken. They view make-up as sinful as well. There is another branch of Christianity, though I cannot recall the name… That requires a full head covering very similar to that of the hijab even! Yet you judge Muslim women for covering their heads? Why not also judge those Christians then? Same thing!

Anyway… I’m going to end this post here. I’m sure I will get judged for loving Muslim people, but I don’t care. If I happen to be wrong about anything above, I will personally apologize and correct myself. Just, please… Let’s stop judging others and worry about our own lives and personal beliefs. Who cares what someone else believes as long as they are happy?