Starting YouTube without the Goal of Entertaining Others

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I have been wanting to start a YouTube channel for forever now… I know I’ve talked about it numerous times on different social media platforms as well as talking about it in my own personal life with family and friends.

So, why haven’t I started?

I have a fear that I will lose myself. I’m afraid of becoming successful on it. What if I start getting a ton of subscribers? Will I feel obligated to do videos they want instead of what want?

I’ve seen this happen to YouTubers that I enjoy watching. The more subs they get, the more they change… Not only in the content they post, but they seem to change themselves as well. Sometimes the change is good, but most of the time it isn’t. I don’t want that. These creators always say, somewhere along the lines, that they lost themselves. They say that they started feeling obligated to make certain kinds of videos just to keep subs and views. They say they started the channel for themselves, but then got popular, and lost themselves to it…

I don’t know if I’m making any sense at all right now. I feel like I’m not finding the words I want or need.

You sure you want to start a channel now, with the huge change in YouTube’s algorithm?

Yes. In fact, I think that this is a great time for me, personally, to start a channel. Why? Because it takes away a lot of the fear that I mentioned above. I can stay under the radar and not get popular.

I think a lot of people with find that contradictory because a lot of people think that channels are started just because people want popularity, views, subscribers, money… But it isn’t true. A lot of YouTubers started their channels for themselves and/or just for fun. Sadly, a lot of those same YouTubers got swept away with it. Money started coming in, and then they started YouTube as a job, basically. The fun was lost.

I don’t care about popularity so the whole algorithm thing won’t affect me at all… However… I do feel bad for several of the creators that it has affected in a very negative way… I also would much prefer to see the channels I’m subscribed to when I log into YouTube instead of a bunch of recommended videos… I have to dig to find my subscriptions. Not cool, YouTube.

What will be your channels theme?

This is a question I got so hung up on, that in itself, has put a mental block up to starting a channel.

I kept trying to come up with a theme… That is the first question everyone asked me. Then I realized that most channels followed a certain theme. I was like CRAP! I need a THEME!! 

But then I realized I don’t need a theme. I can post whatever I want. I don’t want to put myself in a box. I don’t want to obligate myself to having to follow a certain theme.

It’s my channel to do what I want with. If people like it, great! If people don’t, great! I don’t care either way. I’m doing this for me.

I think I’ve overused the word “theme” now… Moving on…

But YouTube is for entertainment, it’s not just about you.

YouTube is another social media platform. Some videos are entertaining, some are educational, and others are for the YouTuber’s own reasons… Several have used it for self-growth and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that’s awesome!

Some YouTubers use the platform to document their lives so that they can look back on their memories and share them with others. This is also one of my goals because I think it would be neat to look back and see how much I’ve grown as a person. There are several things that I wish I had taken more pictures and video of in my past so that I’d have them for the future.

Starting a YouTube isn’t just about entertaining you. If I entertain you, that’s awesome! If I don’t, then I don’t. Move on to a channel you enjoy. No one is forcing you to watch my videos.

I think that’s a lot of where the problem was… People started YouTube as a fun thing for themselves… Then it became possible to get paid for it, so they aimed more to entertain others rather than doing it for themselves. They wanted more subscribers, more views, more money… And they lost themselves in the process.

totally get that I’ll be putting myself out there for all to see… But it’s not my aim to entertain you. My aim is just to share my story, have fun, and enjoy the process of making my own videos.

 

via Daily Prompt: Entertain

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I Banned Myself From Facebook

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I banned myself from Facebook because I cannot handle my own emotions and reactions to others right now.

This time of year is very hard for me. I’ve written before on social media, but I don’t think I’ve brought it up here on my blog.

My Dad was my Christmas…

I didn’t realize until after he passed away just how much that statement is true… I looked forward to staying with him during Christmas. He loved Christmas. Christmas is when he seemed happiest and full of joy. He shined the brightest at Christmas. Christmas music was always playing, and when it wasn’t there was a Christmas movie playing. We both loved watching the original A Christmas Carol. I loved all the decorations he did. I just loved most of all how happy he was.

And then all of the sudden he was gone… All the sudden Christmas lost its joy for me. He truly was my Christmas. When he left this Earth, Christmas wasn’t Christmas to me anymore… It became a sad, dark, dreary day that I despise.

All’s I want is my Dad… He was Christmas Joy incarnate I swear.

I couldn’t control my reactions to anything.

I totally lost myself in emotions I don’t even really understand. Every time I heard or read “Merry Christmas” I either got angry or couldn’t control the flow of tears.

Every time I felt pressured to say, or even type, “Merry Christmas” I choked on the words in my head and froze.

Because of my lack of control, I got frustrated and angry with myself which just made everything worse. I snapped at everyone, avoided Christmas music like the plague, stayed inside, and fell into an anxiety-filled depression. I didn’t shower even… I just drowned myself in music and gaming and ignored reality as much as I possibly could.

I just had to get through the holidays… Just survive through these days until people shut up about Christmas…

Thus I banned myself from Facebook… I realized I was starting to post things that were emotionally driven that were irrational and stupid. So I distanced myself from it. Nearly everything showing up in my timeline sent me down into a spiral of uncontrollable emotions.

Sometimes I just shook a lot. Trembled uncontrollably… Unable to figure out what I was feeling even.

It was bad. I was in a very bad state of mind.

I even avoided going to family get togethers…

I think some of my family took this personally. It wasn’t personal. I was a mess. If I had come to the celebrations it would have been bad. I would have hit shutdown mode and hid somewhere either totally frozen, or half frozen half sobbing until I couldn’t breathe. This would have resulted in people feeling sorry for me, getting mad at me, and/or I would have unintentionally sucked the joy out of everyone when you all deserved better…

I wanted you to enjoy the holiday. I felt like me forcing myself to come just to have a shutdown and/or meltdown wouldn’t have been good for anyone. It was best for me to stay home and deal with myself the best I could in familiar surroundings with my comforts.

Everyone calls me strong… When really I feel like I am the weakest most times.

Slowly regaining control.

Slowly, but surely, I am pulling myself together. I do plan on visiting everyone after the New Year.

A New Year that I hope brings a brighter outlook on life for me, and just a better year for everyone.

Again, I sit here trembling… I think it is because of an overwhelming amount of emotion that I can’t physically handle. This might not make sense to people… So I will explain a little… Your brain is what controls your emotions and your reactions to them. My brain is “wired” differently… It is not the same as most others… And thus I have trouble with emotions, and my brain sends mixed and weird signals and creates a weird reaction.

If I had to guess, I would think this is what a deer feels like right before they get hit by a speeding car. Then again, maybe it’s what someone feels that just got a million dollars? I have no idea. I’m trembling. I don’t even know whether it is good, bad, or what. I feel weird.

I know that made no sense to you… Think about dealing with that confusion every day… It gets exhausting to say the least…

I feel so broken.

“You must be far higher up on the spectrum.”

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Something happened earlier that bothered me.
While waiting for the air pump I noticed a young man flapping his hands, walking back and forth, and making movements with his mouth. I flap my hands like that when I get excited or upset. I pace like that when anxiety hits.
I approached the gentleman filling up the tires on their car and simply asked, “autism”? He said, “yes”. I told him that I was autistic too. He looked at me in a way that I couldn’t distinguish if upset or sad as he said, “Oh, you must be far higher up on the spectrum.”
I didn’t know how to react… I just looked over at the stimming young man and shook my head. “I suppose if that’s what you want to call it. I have my own issues… The keep me from holding a job. I can’t work.”
It felt like he then tried to make up for making a mistake as his words came faster when he said, “Well, he’s high on the spectrum too. Very smart, very functional, he’s in college even. Asperger’s is what they call it. Is that like you?” I said that it is.
I told him that I tried to go to college several times with no success. He told me of a college that has a program specifically for autistics and that if I ever wanted to try again I should check it out.
Then they left and I felt like I should have said more when he compared me to, what I’m assuming, is his son. But I didn’t know what I should have said… I was taken off guard. I’ve never just run into another that is autistic out in public, I’ve never been bold enough to instigate such a conversation with a total stranger before. But something just pulled me to doing so today. I don’t know why.
But I do know now what I should have said, and what I will say if ever I find myself in such a situation again…
“We are a spectrum, none of us are ‘higher’ or better than the other. We each have our struggles and our gifts… Please do not think that I am better or worse than another… I am not.”
Even though some of us appear to function better than others, and the fact is some of us really do… Does not make us better than the other… I could be wrong, but I felt like that man was somehow bothered by the fact that I was autistic and not acting like the young man that was with him. Truth be told, I wasn’t just shivering from the cold, but that he didn’t know. He didn’t know that I was having anxiety just conversing with him. That I was struggling to stay focused on his words instead of my own thoughts and where my hands should be… (I love pockets for this reason…) Should I look at him? The car? Eye contact? I felt judged, I felt uncomfortable… But my heart went out to that seemingly happy young man, gazing at the sky as he paced and stimmed. I wondered how the gentleman treated him at home and hoped that he respected him as a person rather than looking at him as a burden or something that needs to be fixed. That I’ll never know… But I can’t help but wonder… And hope the best for him.
Please do not judge us solely based on the fact that we are autistic. Please respect us as people. Because we are, just like you… Our brains are just wired a bit differently is all.
-Zeftaria-

In Need of Prayers

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My Aunt had a major heart attack the night before last and a stint was put in. Yesterday morning she died and was brought back via CPR and another stint was put in. She’s now in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) being carefully monitored as she recovers.

Please pray for her recovery, send positive energy and thoughts, whatever it is you do, please do it.

Thank you so much ❤

Overwhelmed and an Announcement!

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Still trying to absorb what is all in these 29 pages about myself and my autism. It is a very large pill to swallow…

Some things I was very aware would land me in the autism spectrum… Such as my social awkwardness, not liking being touched, my sensitivity to light and sound…

Other things I had no idea about… My difficulty when walking down stairs, my sense of smell, and this one really surprised me… How things taste. I guess all food seems bland to me compared to what others taste. I have to admit I’m kind of sad about this and am very curious as to what things taste like to others. I wonder what I’ve missed out on?

I was ready to hear “yes, you’re autistic”… However, I wasn’t ready to hear about the very long list of reasons why… Things I just thought were normal, aren’t… Things that don’t come up in everyday conversation, but that affect my everyday life and how I interact with others. My lack of tact in conversation is one of these things… I don’t know why I can’t look at you and tell you that you didn’t blend your contour enough and offer to help… Apparently, this is rude… To me, I’m trying to be nice and help you… I don’t understand the whole idea of getting offended over silly things… But I guess that is also a “normal” thing. I don’t understand the logic of getting upset over something that has nothing to do with you… But that’s “normal” too… I don’t know… I’ve been thrown a curve ball and need time to absorb all of this.

Several things I already knew about myself… Lots I didn’t. It is overwhelming. I’m also kind of disturbed that this woman, who I only met once, knew more about me just from one meeting and a bunch of random (they seemed random to me anyway) tests.

It disturbs me because I don’t like people getting close to me, and someone knowing so much so quickly makes me feel like I’ve been stripped down in front of a crowd of strangers.

Yes, surprise… As much as I share here and over other social media… There’s lots I don’t share as well.

There’s so much for me to absorb.

THE GRAND ANNOUNCEMENT

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On top of all of this…. We have finally gotten the information and are lining things up to move to Romania. This will occur this coming May.

This is another reason I sought professional help… I need to learn to deal with things before the move… And know how to handle things after such a huge move… I need to be prepared, and also need to be able to communicate with my fiancé what might happen if things go wrong… For example… Me stuffing myself in a blanket burrito underneath a pile of pillows and stuffed animals in a dark corner somewhere and not moving or talking. This is a very real situation that could happen… Also, I need to know how to handle keeping my daughter and myself still in uncomfortable crowded seating in a plane… And navigating crowded airports…

Honestly… The traveling to there is what terrifies me. I know once I’m there I can hide away and relax, so I’m not scared of the arriving bit… Just the getting there part. Not to mention flying miles high above a vast ocean for hours…. Ugh!

I suppose I should end this here and get my little one to bed as it’s late.

Goodnight!

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Some more pictures from my future home:

 

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FINALLY BACK!!!

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I have SO many things to say that I have no idea where to start even…

I have been absent because I bought a house and moved. The company that provides my internet had not laid cable to the little community that I moved to. Long story short: They were laying cable, ran into issues, and it wound up being MONTHS until they finally got it completed.

However, our adventure with getting the internet are still not over… Our modem is not working properly so the internet is up and down, weak even when up, and the Ethernet connection isn’t working at ALL… So I’m stuck using my laptop for the time being. Which for some wouldn’t be an issue…. But I can do so much more on my PC… Remember, I’m a gamer… lol

Wait… You BOUGHT a house???

Yes, I did. After my parents passed away I took in their pets, which resulted in me losing my old apartment. My best friend took us all in and we lived in her basement for awhile. Some rentals would take cats and not dogs, others would take dogs and not cats, and others took both but only small dogs… I have a lab-mix which is over their size limit. Then I found a nice little quiet community, a gem really, just outside of town. They accepted all of us… However, my bad credit score wasn’t good enough to rent…

It was cashing my share of Dad’s 401k that saved us… There was a mobile home for sale within my price range, and the community managers were wonderful and worked with me. So now I own a home in this wonderful little community. I love it!

I am “Officially” Autistic

Before I was “self-diagnosed” as they would say, and because of that several didn’t take me seriously. It was suspected I was autistic, but I had never had a professional diagnosis… Until now.

About a month ago I went in and went through a bunch of testing. Yep. I’m autistic. The reason I finally went in for the testing is because my daughter’s psychiatrist will be able to better help her, and I can get help as well.

I’m hoping that they can get me where I can hold employment and function better just in everyday life. For Betsey, now autism will be considered because it is hereditary. This means that my Mom and/or Dad carried the autism gene… And personally, I think my Mom was a bit autistic herself.

This diagnosis will also help them better understand my little brother… As I’m 100% positive now that he is autistic. I talked with my psychiatrist/neurologist about him, and she thinks so as well.

Tomorrow, 11/20/17, I have a follow up appointment with them to see if I can be employed… Or if I need to file for disability… I personally am hoping for the first. I want to go to school and become an esthetician and work in the beauty industry.

I think that’s it for now…

I will be posting some BIG NEWS here soon! So keep your eye out for it!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am back and will be able to post regularly now. If you have any questions, never hesitate to ask! I’m typing super fast right now so may have missed something and it might be confusing… Just let me know!

 

The Journey of Family Healing

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Yesterday we met with my daughter’s behaviorist for the first time. Let’s start first with how she got recommended to a behaviorist in the first place.

She has behavior ticks. For example, rolling her eyes up and to the side as she spreads all of her fingers on one hand. Sometimes this even included a pattern of deep breaths. She also has, very obviously, OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) tendencies. For example, she has to dry her hands on multiple towels if they are present, lines things up, sets things in certain places, counts nearly everything, must finish doing a set activity before doing what she needs to do. If you interrupt her pattern, move an object she placed, interrupt her counting, interrupt her current activity, take away a towel and not let her use it, etc., She becomes unrealistically upset and acts as if you have physically assaulted her in some way. It is like it physically hurts her. We told her pediatrician of these things and he recommended her to a behaviorist. Better to be safe than sorry later on. I want to be a good Mom, I want to do what is best for Betsey. I love her more than life itself.

Before we went there…

I was totally under the assumption that I would be told it is normal childhood behavior. Betsey is normal, just with some odd ticks. I would get some parenting advice on how to deal with her OCD issues. Maybe even how to curb them somehow, make them stop.

But that isn’t how things played out at all…

The specialist observed Betsey. Watched her play with toys, seen her behavior ticks, and asked her questions. During this time I, of course, got nervous because I noticed the specialist also watching me just as much as she was watching Betsey. She talked to me and asked me questions as well before moving on to Todd, Betsey’s Dad. She told me I need to be taking ADHD medication and pointed out why. I couldn’t argue because I have been diagnosed with ADHD and what she said was right on point about my own behavior. But first, let’s focus on Betsey.

What we learned about my little girl wasn’t as positive as I had hoped…

We learned that Betsey is hyposensitive, not to be confused with hypersensitive. In other words, she doesn’t feel things properly. She doesn’t feel things as strongly as others do. This is also why she has a high pain tolerance.  This is also why she seeks small, tight places, being held and hugged, snuggling, and co-sleeping. She also likes her back rubbed and to be tickled on her back, arms, legs, and toes. She seeks sensation. She seeks to feel.

At this time Todd pointed out that I, too, have a high pain tolerance. I thought about, but didn’t say anything at that time, that I like to sleep under a giant stuffed fox. Yes, under. Sometimes I snuggle with it, but most times I put it on top of me. I like the weight.

So we learned something about both Betsey and myself. We are both hyposensitive.

We also learned that Betsey’s outrages aren’t normal. This I kind of already knew. It isn’t just with the OCD that she has outrages… It is also in routine. It can be something as simple as carrying her book bag from the car to the house that sets her on a hellbent tantrum. An example of this is Daddy always carried her things. It got to the point where she was just dropping it on the ground and saying, “Carry this Daddy”. When I was present I made her carry it herself telling Todd he is spoiling her. She screamed bloody murder, sobbed, and made a huge scene in front of the house. I thought I was doing good by not giving in and making her carry it. Come to find out, I was and I wasn’t… I had the right idea in mind, but I went about it the wrong way. This happens with many different things that I hadn’t even thought of before.

I learned I need to change my parenting, and a lesson in medications.

First I will address my own ADHD and get it out of the way quickly… 

I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back, but stopped taking my meds simply because I didn’t like the way they made me feel. Fast forward to yesterday… I learned that despite how it makes me feel, I should be taking them. Not just for myself, but for the sake of Betsey.

Anyone that is close to me knows I get frustrated quickly with leads to anger. I also have a horrendous time remembering things, important things, and my train of thought very often ends up completely derailed and in a pile of rubbage on a mountain in my brain somewhere. Just writing blog posts is hard. As I sit here my mind is going faster than my fingers ever will be able to and I have at least 100 different thoughts hitting me at once. It is very very hard for me to focus and concentrate on anything and it is getting worse. So bad, in fact, that I often can’t even remember what I ate yesterday for dinner.

Back to the easily frustrated and angry bit. This is not helping my parenting at all! I know this… I know I have little patience, get overwhelmed quickly, stressed, and frustrated. But what I didn’t know is that these things are actually part of my ADHD! This is why I need on medication to help Betsey. I will be able to parent much better. I had no idea that these things were due to ADHD.. And could be solved with a pill. Thus I will get back on it for the sake of my daughter.

Secondly, Betsey needs meds too…

This was hard for me to accept. Both Todd and I have always been very strongly against medicating children for such things as ADD. We always said that most kids are normal and that things can be dealt with without medications. I looked negatively on others for medicating their children. Thinking they just wanted to be “lazy” and have their kids in an “obedient zombie” state so that they can do what they wanted to do… I owe all of those parents a HUGE apology…

I admit I was shocked when a medication was brought up. I kind of froze unbelievingly. Todd and I both hesitated a lot. The specialist explained that it won’t change Betsey at all (like into an “obedient zombie”), but it will take the edge off of her outbursts. It will also help her to sleep better at night as she often wakes during the night… Nearly every night and sometimes multiple times during one night. Getting a good night’s rest will also help with her overall behavior during the day.

So by the end, Todd and I agreed to try it. But, of course, medications are not the end solution. Other things need to change…

A lesson in parenting…

Nearly everything I was doing… Was wrong. Does that make me a horrible parent? No, it doesn’t. As parents, it is a learning experience. We all mess up at some point and none of us are perfect. It is even harder when our little ones have issues such as Betsey’s… And even harder than that when we have issues as well, like me.

What is basically happening is that Betsey and I “butt heads”. She has her way that she needs to do something and I have mine. (For those of you that don’t know, I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I’m also going to be seeing a woman that specialized in autism in adults because of a professional counselor as well as my doctor thinks that I am autistic as well. With self-analyzation and researching I’ve done, I agree.)

So let’s say Betsey is reading a Ty Beanie Baby tag and I need her to put her socks and shoes on now because we are already running late getting ready for school. I get frustrated, take the bean-filled animal away in my fit of anxiety and frustration and tell her she can read it after she gets her shoes on. Because she keeps reading it and ignoring me and not doing as she’s told! This results in her throwing a tantrum, my anxiety and frustration getting worse and just an overall disaster. It also results in harming the relationship in between my daughter and I. Before now, I would have told you I took her toy away because she wasn’t listening, just like any parent would, right? But given each of our issues… We end up getting angry at one another and our actions feed each other’s bad behavior in a way… I hope that kind of makes sense, I’m having trouble putting it into words.

What I can do to make things better besides just getting back on my ADHD medication is to change how I approach nearly everything. I need to have more patience with her, I need to give her warnings way ahead of time, I need to change the way I punish her for misbehaving, and also take all emotion out of punishment as well. If I’m frustrated or angry I need to do my best to suppress it and be as neutral as possible. I need to talk everything out in detail as to why things are happening differently that she’s used to as well.

Examples:

The bookbag incident mentioned earlier could have been prevented entirely. What I should have done is explain to her that Daddy will carry it for one last time today, but from the next day on she is to carry it. (The forewarning gives her enough time to properly process and accept the change in routine.) Any change in her routine will now be handled this way.

Reading the Ty Beanie baby tag when she needs to get her shoes on. This happened this morning, and instead of letting the above-mentioned example incident happen, I just took a deep breath and let her finish reading it. But before she was done reading it I just said to her quickly, as to not interrupt her reading too much, “after you’re done reading that you need to put your socks and shoes on, ok?” She said ok and after she was done reading the tag she reached for another beanie-baby. I reminded her about her shoes and socks and I was delightedly surprised when she just said, “Oh, yeah. I forgot!” She put the toy down and went and got her socks and shoes on without a fight! I was beyond happy this morning. Both she and I did super well!

Punishments:

Punishments will only be in the form of time-outs from here forward. As stated above I will have a neutral attitude. I will calmly explain why she is in trouble and why she has to sit still for a given amount of time. This may not take any affect on her immediately, but the behaviorist assured me that this is something that needs persistence and if I stick with it, we will see a definite improvement in Betsey’s behavior.

So with persistence, patience, and more of an understanding of how to actually prevent a lot of outbursts, we will move forward to healing as a family.

So… What’s her diagnosis exactly?

There is none. The behaviorist said that she isn’t going to diagnose anything this early on. She wants to see her more, and see how well the changes and medications (for both Betsey and me) help. She wants more of a history built before she makes any kind of diagnosis. Which I like, actually. She isn’t slapping a diagnosis on her after seeing her only one time and for me, that actually tells me she is a good doctor. Yes, she is a doctor. A psychiatrist that specializes in child psychology.

Going forward…

Now instead of spending hours, and sometimes whole days, fighting her trying to get her to do as she is told right when she is told to do it… I will back off. I will tell her what needs to be done but let her finish her current activity before reminding her to go do whatever. When I want her to stop doing something, I will tell her I want her that after this time I want her to not do whatever it was again. In this way, it won’t feel like such an abrupt change to her and it won’t feel like a punishment to her to stop doing it. If she does something that she knows is bad, she will sit in a timeout.

Thus begins our journey of healing as a family. And I urge other parents to talk to their doctors and seek help if they need it. It really isn’t a bad thing. A lot of us, including myself, was in a mindset that if we need help, we can’t be good parents… But that is far from the truth… If you need help and recognize that you do and seek help… Then that makes you a good parent. I want what is best for my daughter and so I set my pride to the side to help her.

One thing I would like to go back to real quick is the medication and why we chose to try it. One thing sticks in my mind that the behaviorist pointed out to us. Because of privacy laws, she can’t say who… But she did tell us that she works with many children and lots of parents against medications… She said that those that don’t try it when it is needed, end up hurting the relationship between parent and child. The child grows older and then it is harder to treat because not only does the child need medication, but now the child has had a lot of negativity between parent and child which makes things much worse. I don’t want this for Betsey. This also includes me getting back on the meds that I need as well. Trying the medication this early on will help in determining what she will/won’t need in the future. It helps us now so that we can avoid future negative complications.

Now we will put all of the negativity behind us and heal. I want Betsey and me to have a better relationship. I want her to have a better relationship with her Dad. I want what is best for her. I want her to grow up strong and with a strong foundation (family).

-Zeftaria