Sleep is her escape.

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The girl is sad.

So very sad…

She wants to die. She wants to escape. But she also doesn’t want to die because she doesn’t want to hurt those around her. She can’t die because she loves.

So she sleeps instead.

Sleep is her escape.

-Zeftaria

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“I want to die. Please don’t let me die.”

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The girl laughed. She made others smile even if they were sad.
One day she was sitting alone and a boy came and asked her to play. She didn’t want to play so he turned to walk away.

“Wait, please don’t leave. Sit with me awhile. Please?” She pleaded.
He sat next to her and asked why.
“Today I want to die. Please don’t let me die,” she answered simply before she cried.

He didn’t leave her alone after that, even on the days she wanted to die. He would sit with her quietly while she was so very sad. Because he didn’t want to lose her.

Then one day he realized that he always wanted to be with her no matter what, so he asked her to marry him. Even knowing she wanted to die, he still loved her. She said yes.

She still wants to die sometimes, and during those times he still sits with her quietly and waits. Knowing that she needs him, and knowing her smile will return.

-Zeftaria

Starting YouTube without the Goal of Entertaining Others

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I have been wanting to start a YouTube channel for forever now… I know I’ve talked about it numerous times on different social media platforms as well as talking about it in my own personal life with family and friends.

So, why haven’t I started?

I have a fear that I will lose myself. I’m afraid of becoming successful on it. What if I start getting a ton of subscribers? Will I feel obligated to do videos they want instead of what want?

I’ve seen this happen to YouTubers that I enjoy watching. The more subs they get, the more they change… Not only in the content they post, but they seem to change themselves as well. Sometimes the change is good, but most of the time it isn’t. I don’t want that. These creators always say, somewhere along the lines, that they lost themselves. They say that they started feeling obligated to make certain kinds of videos just to keep subs and views. They say they started the channel for themselves, but then got popular, and lost themselves to it…

I don’t know if I’m making any sense at all right now. I feel like I’m not finding the words I want or need.

You sure you want to start a channel now, with the huge change in YouTube’s algorithm?

Yes. In fact, I think that this is a great time for me, personally, to start a channel. Why? Because it takes away a lot of the fear that I mentioned above. I can stay under the radar and not get popular.

I think a lot of people with find that contradictory because a lot of people think that channels are started just because people want popularity, views, subscribers, money… But it isn’t true. A lot of YouTubers started their channels for themselves and/or just for fun. Sadly, a lot of those same YouTubers got swept away with it. Money started coming in, and then they started YouTube as a job, basically. The fun was lost.

I don’t care about popularity so the whole algorithm thing won’t affect me at all… However… I do feel bad for several of the creators that it has affected in a very negative way… I also would much prefer to see the channels I’m subscribed to when I log into YouTube instead of a bunch of recommended videos… I have to dig to find my subscriptions. Not cool, YouTube.

What will be your channels theme?

This is a question I got so hung up on, that in itself, has put a mental block up to starting a channel.

I kept trying to come up with a theme… That is the first question everyone asked me. Then I realized that most channels followed a certain theme. I was like CRAP! I need a THEME!! 

But then I realized I don’t need a theme. I can post whatever I want. I don’t want to put myself in a box. I don’t want to obligate myself to having to follow a certain theme.

It’s my channel to do what I want with. If people like it, great! If people don’t, great! I don’t care either way. I’m doing this for me.

I think I’ve overused the word “theme” now… Moving on…

But YouTube is for entertainment, it’s not just about you.

YouTube is another social media platform. Some videos are entertaining, some are educational, and others are for the YouTuber’s own reasons… Several have used it for self-growth and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that’s awesome!

Some YouTubers use the platform to document their lives so that they can look back on their memories and share them with others. This is also one of my goals because I think it would be neat to look back and see how much I’ve grown as a person. There are several things that I wish I had taken more pictures and video of in my past so that I’d have them for the future.

Starting a YouTube isn’t just about entertaining you. If I entertain you, that’s awesome! If I don’t, then I don’t. Move on to a channel you enjoy. No one is forcing you to watch my videos.

I think that’s a lot of where the problem was… People started YouTube as a fun thing for themselves… Then it became possible to get paid for it, so they aimed more to entertain others rather than doing it for themselves. They wanted more subscribers, more views, more money… And they lost themselves in the process.

totally get that I’ll be putting myself out there for all to see… But it’s not my aim to entertain you. My aim is just to share my story, have fun, and enjoy the process of making my own videos.

 

via Daily Prompt: Entertain

I Banned Myself From Facebook

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I banned myself from Facebook because I cannot handle my own emotions and reactions to others right now.

This time of year is very hard for me. I’ve written before on social media, but I don’t think I’ve brought it up here on my blog.

My Dad was my Christmas…

I didn’t realize until after he passed away just how much that statement is true… I looked forward to staying with him during Christmas. He loved Christmas. Christmas is when he seemed happiest and full of joy. He shined the brightest at Christmas. Christmas music was always playing, and when it wasn’t there was a Christmas movie playing. We both loved watching the original A Christmas Carol. I loved all the decorations he did. I just loved most of all how happy he was.

And then all of the sudden he was gone… All the sudden Christmas lost its joy for me. He truly was my Christmas. When he left this Earth, Christmas wasn’t Christmas to me anymore… It became a sad, dark, dreary day that I despise.

All’s I want is my Dad… He was Christmas Joy incarnate I swear.

I couldn’t control my reactions to anything.

I totally lost myself in emotions I don’t even really understand. Every time I heard or read “Merry Christmas” I either got angry or couldn’t control the flow of tears.

Every time I felt pressured to say, or even type, “Merry Christmas” I choked on the words in my head and froze.

Because of my lack of control, I got frustrated and angry with myself which just made everything worse. I snapped at everyone, avoided Christmas music like the plague, stayed inside, and fell into an anxiety-filled depression. I didn’t shower even… I just drowned myself in music and gaming and ignored reality as much as I possibly could.

I just had to get through the holidays… Just survive through these days until people shut up about Christmas…

Thus I banned myself from Facebook… I realized I was starting to post things that were emotionally driven that were irrational and stupid. So I distanced myself from it. Nearly everything showing up in my timeline sent me down into a spiral of uncontrollable emotions.

Sometimes I just shook a lot. Trembled uncontrollably… Unable to figure out what I was feeling even.

It was bad. I was in a very bad state of mind.

I even avoided going to family get togethers…

I think some of my family took this personally. It wasn’t personal. I was a mess. If I had come to the celebrations it would have been bad. I would have hit shutdown mode and hid somewhere either totally frozen, or half frozen half sobbing until I couldn’t breathe. This would have resulted in people feeling sorry for me, getting mad at me, and/or I would have unintentionally sucked the joy out of everyone when you all deserved better…

I wanted you to enjoy the holiday. I felt like me forcing myself to come just to have a shutdown and/or meltdown wouldn’t have been good for anyone. It was best for me to stay home and deal with myself the best I could in familiar surroundings with my comforts.

Everyone calls me strong… When really I feel like I am the weakest most times.

Slowly regaining control.

Slowly, but surely, I am pulling myself together. I do plan on visiting everyone after the New Year.

A New Year that I hope brings a brighter outlook on life for me, and just a better year for everyone.

Again, I sit here trembling… I think it is because of an overwhelming amount of emotion that I can’t physically handle. This might not make sense to people… So I will explain a little… Your brain is what controls your emotions and your reactions to them. My brain is “wired” differently… It is not the same as most others… And thus I have trouble with emotions, and my brain sends mixed and weird signals and creates a weird reaction.

If I had to guess, I would think this is what a deer feels like right before they get hit by a speeding car. Then again, maybe it’s what someone feels that just got a million dollars? I have no idea. I’m trembling. I don’t even know whether it is good, bad, or what. I feel weird.

I know that made no sense to you… Think about dealing with that confusion every day… It gets exhausting to say the least…

I feel so broken.

“You must be far higher up on the spectrum.”

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my wings are just as broken
Something happened earlier that bothered me.
While waiting for the air pump I noticed a young man flapping his hands, walking back and forth, and making movements with his mouth. I flap my hands like that when I get excited or upset. I pace like that when anxiety hits.
I approached the gentleman filling up the tires on their car and simply asked, “autism”? He said, “yes”. I told him that I was autistic too. He looked at me in a way that I couldn’t distinguish if upset or sad as he said, “Oh, you must be far higher up on the spectrum.”
I didn’t know how to react… I just looked over at the stimming young man and shook my head. “I suppose if that’s what you want to call it. I have my own issues… The keep me from holding a job. I can’t work.”
It felt like he then tried to make up for making a mistake as his words came faster when he said, “Well, he’s high on the spectrum too. Very smart, very functional, he’s in college even. Asperger’s is what they call it. Is that like you?” I said that it is.
I told him that I tried to go to college several times with no success. He told me of a college that has a program specifically for autistics and that if I ever wanted to try again I should check it out.
Then they left and I felt like I should have said more when he compared me to, what I’m assuming, is his son. But I didn’t know what I should have said… I was taken off guard. I’ve never just run into another that is autistic out in public, I’ve never been bold enough to instigate such a conversation with a total stranger before. But something just pulled me to doing so today. I don’t know why.
But I do know now what I should have said, and what I will say if ever I find myself in such a situation again…
“We are a spectrum, none of us are ‘higher’ or better than the other. We each have our struggles and our gifts… Please do not think that I am better or worse than another… I am not.”
Even though some of us appear to function better than others, and the fact is some of us really do… Does not make us better than the other… I could be wrong, but I felt like that man was somehow bothered by the fact that I was autistic and not acting like the young man that was with him. Truth be told, I wasn’t just shivering from the cold, but that he didn’t know. He didn’t know that I was having anxiety just conversing with him. That I was struggling to stay focused on his words instead of my own thoughts and where my hands should be… (I love pockets for this reason…) Should I look at him? The car? Eye contact? I felt judged, I felt uncomfortable… But my heart went out to that seemingly happy young man, gazing at the sky as he paced and stimmed. I wondered how the gentleman treated him at home and hoped that he respected him as a person rather than looking at him as a burden or something that needs to be fixed. That I’ll never know… But I can’t help but wonder… And hope the best for him.
Please do not judge us solely based on the fact that we are autistic. Please respect us as people. Because we are, just like you… Our brains are just wired a bit differently is all.
-Zeftaria-

In Need of Prayers

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My Aunt had a major heart attack the night before last and a stint was put in. Yesterday morning she died and was brought back via CPR and another stint was put in. She’s now in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) being carefully monitored as she recovers.

Please pray for her recovery, send positive energy and thoughts, whatever it is you do, please do it.

Thank you so much ❤

Overwhelmed and an Announcement!

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Still trying to absorb what is all in these 29 pages about myself and my autism. It is a very large pill to swallow…

Some things I was very aware would land me in the autism spectrum… Such as my social awkwardness, not liking being touched, my sensitivity to light and sound…

Other things I had no idea about… My difficulty when walking down stairs, my sense of smell, and this one really surprised me… How things taste. I guess all food seems bland to me compared to what others taste. I have to admit I’m kind of sad about this and am very curious as to what things taste like to others. I wonder what I’ve missed out on?

I was ready to hear “yes, you’re autistic”… However, I wasn’t ready to hear about the very long list of reasons why… Things I just thought were normal, aren’t… Things that don’t come up in everyday conversation, but that affect my everyday life and how I interact with others. My lack of tact in conversation is one of these things… I don’t know why I can’t look at you and tell you that you didn’t blend your contour enough and offer to help… Apparently, this is rude… To me, I’m trying to be nice and help you… I don’t understand the whole idea of getting offended over silly things… But I guess that is also a “normal” thing. I don’t understand the logic of getting upset over something that has nothing to do with you… But that’s “normal” too… I don’t know… I’ve been thrown a curve ball and need time to absorb all of this.

Several things I already knew about myself… Lots I didn’t. It is overwhelming. I’m also kind of disturbed that this woman, who I only met once, knew more about me just from one meeting and a bunch of random (they seemed random to me anyway) tests.

It disturbs me because I don’t like people getting close to me, and someone knowing so much so quickly makes me feel like I’ve been stripped down in front of a crowd of strangers.

Yes, surprise… As much as I share here and over other social media… There’s lots I don’t share as well.

There’s so much for me to absorb.

THE GRAND ANNOUNCEMENT

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On top of all of this…. We have finally gotten the information and are lining things up to move to Romania. This will occur this coming May.

This is another reason I sought professional help… I need to learn to deal with things before the move… And know how to handle things after such a huge move… I need to be prepared, and also need to be able to communicate with my fiancé what might happen if things go wrong… For example… Me stuffing myself in a blanket burrito underneath a pile of pillows and stuffed animals in a dark corner somewhere and not moving or talking. This is a very real situation that could happen… Also, I need to know how to handle keeping my daughter and myself still in uncomfortable crowded seating in a plane… And navigating crowded airports…

Honestly… The traveling to there is what terrifies me. I know once I’m there I can hide away and relax, so I’m not scared of the arriving bit… Just the getting there part. Not to mention flying miles high above a vast ocean for hours…. Ugh!

I suppose I should end this here and get my little one to bed as it’s late.

Goodnight!

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Some more pictures from my future home:

 

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