I sit here riddled with anxiety. Nearly paralyzed from it the past almost week now.. I think… I’m not good with time. I lose track of time and days quite often, especially in this state.
I wish I could express how severe anxiety feels. People say “get over it” and/or “it’s all in your head.” Yes, it is all in my head… That’s why they call it a mental disorder.
I’m very aware that the fears I have are most times totally unrealistic. I know there is no logic to them… Yet that doesn’t stop it. I can not ever express to a normal person what it’s like to have such a war inside you… A war of a logical mind vs anxiety. Even though I know the fear is silly, at that moment in time during an anxiety attack, those fears are very real.
Real life example: A long while ago my daughter, her father, and I went to McDonalds. Now, different people have different “triggers”. A trigger is what sets off an anxiety attack. For me it was too many people, smells, sounds, bright light… All that combined sent me in a very bad attack. Todd asked me if I was okay. My response was “Yeah, I just think I’m going to die in the next 5 minutes.” That lead into an interesting conversation right there. lol But here’s how anxiety can really effect you: I got extremely dizzy, I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly, I felt weak and shaky, I had to keep touching my legs because I thought they were going numb… Anxiety, even though in the mind, can physically effect your body. What my mind was like: “OMG I’m going to die! Is this really going to be my last moments??? Who will care for our daughter if something happens to Todd too?? Do I need to go to the hospital? Will I die here or in the hospital? Am I going to pass out? I feel like I’m going to pass out… Wait… Wait… This isn’t real. This will pass. I’m not going to die. Breathe. Focus on breathing. Omg there are too many people. I want to go home. At least I can die at home. I don’t want to die here. STOP IT I’m not going to die! This isn’t real. I’m okay. Gather yourself. Deep slow breaths. I’m okay. I’m not going to die. This is so stupid. This is really stupid… I know this isn’t real. Why can’t I stop shaking? Why is everything still spinning? Maybe the fear is real and I will die? Omg I hate this!”
Welcome to my anxious mind… A mind that knows the fear is illogical, but my body won’t respond to logical thinking. A mind that knows the fear is not real, but the feeling of fear does not abate.
Now imagine fighting with yourself like that for days… This is how I am right now… I’m exhausted mentally and physically as well. It has effected me to the point that I couldn’t even go out to the grocery store yesterday… Yesterday I handed my daughter’s father a list and he did my shopping. I cannot express how thankful I am that he does those things for me when I’m in such a mental state.
But I’m tired of this. I fear everything. I fear change in routine, I fear walking outside my apartment door, and contrary to popular belief due to my ability to hide it online… I fear people. I found out that there is actually a word for this – “Agoraphobia: Fear of places and situations that might cause panic, helplessness, or embarrassment.” Going outside into the wide world might put me under an attack, talking to a person or in a crowd might throw me into an attack, changing my routine I know always throws me into a bad state of anxiety… Agoraphobia is a very real thing.
But I want to fight it.
I’m tired of wasting away in the confines of my apartment. I’m tired of freaking out all the time. I want to change this. I know I can, but getting to my goal is going to be a hard road to travel.
The first thing I’m tackling is the thing that triggers me the most. Changing my routine. I think I have mentioned in a prior post how I have fallen into this slump as my lack of routine became my comforting routine. This has got to change. Not only for myself but for my daughter. To top that off, I also recently made the decision to go vegan… So that is also throwing me for a good loop. Add to those things my recent health scare and you get a very anxiety ridden me. It is horrid.
So please bear with me as I force myself through this change. I cannot express how hard this is for me to do. A normal person might never be able to fully grasp this, and I totally understand why. I don’t hold it against you if you don’t, but I do ask for your patience in this time. Right now I will be very scatterbrained, high-strung, anxious, and going in and out of “hiding” (I might not answer a call or message for a day or so).
I’ve wanted to write this post for a day or so now… But I kept letting my anxiety win. Today at least I got this one thing done, and for that I’m thankful. Even if this is the only way I step out of my comfort zone today, at least I did something!