Routine is a funny thing…
It seems simple, right? Well, what do you think of when you think of a routine? Perhaps a morning routine of exercising, showering, drinking a cup of coffee as you eat your oatmeal. Or maybe your routines you do at work, or housecleaning routines.
But what if lack of a routine became routine?
This is my struggle. I like routine very much and when it changes it throws me into anxiety. Instead of going on and living my life I shut myself away… Which only made it worse in the end. I’m far worse now than I was just a couple years ago. Everything sets my anxiety skyrocketing. It’s gotten to the point where stepping out of my apartment door is a thing to be celebrated because it’s so rare and such a struggle for me to do.
The depression I went through twisted everything upside down. Now my comforting routine became a lack of routine as far as common thought is concerned. More on that later…
I’m tired of struggling and hiding. It’s time for me to fight.
Today I opened my Venetian blinds for the first time in two years and let sunlight into my apartment. I ripped down the black trash bag and jacket that I had covering a smaller decorative window. My anxiety soared at the rush of bright light in my face and into my dark home. My heart raced and my toes felt numb, I shook and I wanted to cry, I felt like I couldn’t breath… But then I closed my eyes, focused on breathing properly, and made a decision.
There’s no turning back from today. No more hiding. No more letting anxiety win. I WILL DO THIS EVEN IF I DIE!
That’s the stupid part of my anxiety that I hate. I literally, in that moment, think I’m going to die. I cannot seem to convince myself otherwise, and when I fight it head on I make it worse… So I took a different approach, a different way of thinking. I made the decision that I was going to keep on even if I did die. What’s the point of living if you don’t live? If I’m going to die, I’d rather be doing something more productive than sitting and worrying about my impending doom.
And you know what? IT WORKED!
It actually worked… The anxiety started to fade as I turned to my next task. I also wanted to give a huge kick in anxiety’s ass by rearranging the furniture in my living room. I am the boss, not anxiety… Today I was determined to prove that.
What does this have to do with routine?
Routine – a sequence of actions regularly followed; a fixed program.
As I’ve written about my deep depression before I won’t go into detail about it again… Except about where I lost my routine. During the depression I didn’t care to even take care of myself… Or clean the apartment… Thus I had no routine to follow. I was in such a deep state of depression that it drowned out any anxiety I had about the changes to my life. Perhaps it’s because in those darkest of days I wanted to die, therefore welcomed the thought instead of fearing it. I don’t know. What I do know is that the lack of routine actually became my comforting routine. My sequence of actions – sitting at the computer mainly, playing a game, reading, etc. were my sequence of actions I regularly followed. Wake up, get on computer, ignore real life… That became my fixed program.
Coming out of the deepest pit of that depression didn’t magically fix everything either.
I’m in a struggle to get out of the grip of depression everyday.. And then anxiety acts up and sometimes nearly throws me back into that monster’s arms. I’m tired and exhausted of it and I think I finally hit my breaking point. These past few days there has been NO escape from anxiety… NONE! Normally I’ll have an attack for a few hours or half a day and done… Not this time… DAYS of high intense fear that I couldn’t possibly describe to you if you haven’t felt it for yourself. It is horrid torture that almost makes me long for depression!
But I don’t want that either… I want freedom. I want myself back. Once upon a time I enjoyed going out to the park, on hikes, walks, camping, and even just running errands! I want that back… I want it back so bad it hurts… So I’m taking it back!
Back to the events of today…
After cleaning and rearranging furniture today I feel like I have climbed Mt Everest! As stated before… In my depression I also didn’t care for housework… So I only did minimum at best. I’m ashamed about the state I let things get into… But I’m proud of the fact that I’m getting it cleaned back up and it will never be that way again! It is overwhelming, but I will do it.
I’m so happy I could cry! I’m so excited that I learned how to outsmart my anxiety today!
I WON THE BATTLE TODAY AND I WILL WIN THIS WAR WITH ANXIETY!
I did record a video a few days ago of the state my apartment was in… I plan on taking more footage after I’m done cleaning and making a vlog about it. I’m sure I’m not the only one that is struggling and I want to speak up for those who are in a pit like me. Don’t give up. You are not alone! Never think that you are alone, you’re not.
I want to be a voice for those that do go through this and that feel too embarrassed and ashamed. I want to help them know they’re not alone. I want to encourage them to step forward and talk to family and/or friends and seek the support and help they need to pull through this. If you don’t have anyone, contact me! You can easily find me on Facebook – Zeftaria Wolf or twitter @Zeftaria.
NOTE:~~I have a thick hide and can withstand internet trolls, bullies, lewd/rude/nasty comments and such. But some can’t, and that’s perfectly okay. That’s why I bare myself the way I am doing online. I don’t care anymore what people think of me. If you want your story told but don’t want to face the world wide web of billions of people, you can send me your story and I will post it “by anonymous” or “by ____” whatever name you want put in. Speak up, let’s help each other through this struggle.~~