It has been a long time since I have written anything here. A lot has changed. I’m breaking myself down so that I can build myself back up.
We moved into a new, and far better, apartment. I’m trying my best to become as active as I used to be before my huge depression. Once upon a time I worked out for 3 to 4 hours a day. I miss that and I want it back… Sadly I’ve lived such a super sedentary lifestyle throughout my depression that I might as well have been bed ridden. That’s how active I was during those dark days.
Now that I’m trying to get more active it’s effecting my body for more than it should. A simple 32 minutes of minor aerobics is sparking my body to go into menstrual cycle far before it should actually start. It sucks having to ease back into it so slowly… I’m so impatient. But I don’t want to harm myself either. Nor do I want to hit burn out.
With all this change has come an onslaught of anxieties. I’m just now starting to feel like this is “home”… Before now every night I would get into bed to be greeted by a racing heart and full blown anxiety attack with feelings of longing to “go home” (to the old apartment).
When I unpack boxes I have back to back mini anxiety attacks… So much change… Then add to that trying to live a more healthy lifestyle. Oh, and also trying to get my daughter on a better schedule for school. Just the simple fact that she’s starting school terrifies me for many reasons. I have the usual bit that I’m sure every parent goes through with their first child… But then there’s also the fear of even MORE change to routine, and having to MEET strange people at school functions and such… Also she will make friends and want to go to their houses and I will have to hope like hell I don’t make a fool of myself in front of her friend’s parents.
Time has flown so fast… So many changes barraging me all at once… Before I would run away, but this time I can’t. It’s not about me anymore, it’s also about my daughter. I don’t want my issues holding her back. I also want to set a good example for her and also better myself for myself. I need to be healthier, I need to be more active.
With all this change I’m pushing my limits and breaking them, breaking myself… And building myself anew.
I need to learn how to live again…