I Will Fly With Broken Wings

My day wasn’t so great. I had a shut down and a complete melt down. Taking a long nap was not enough to stop it. Before I was ashamed of these. I hid and told no one. Today I bare myself. I don’t even know how long I spent crying in the bathroom today. When I do that I shut everyone out except my fiance. He’s the only one I reach out to. That is one thing that has always puzzled me about him. Since the day we met I felt compelled to talk to him when I turned everyone else away. I had to talk to him… I had to think and figure myself out so that I could explain to him as best as I could. And he is always patient and listens and helps me. Even when I snap at him he remains patient and by my side. He’s the only one that can get through to me in my anger and melt downs and shut downs.
Today when I went to sleep it was because I hit overload and shut down. Then after getting up, things hit me again and I went into a melt down.
I don’t think people understand fully. My shut downs and melt downs are not often due to an overload of physical senses like light, sounds, smells, etc…. My triggers are real life issues and stress. I cannot handle stress. I was told by my old doctor that I do not have a chemical in my brain to deal with stress like “normal” people do. Stress physically hurts me in more ways than one. I don’t think I could ever describe it. I would like to add that physical senses get to me too. Too much light, reflecting off of multiple objects triggers my anxiety. How I hid that was looking down, away, or shielding my eyes brushing it off as “light sensitivity”… But sounds and smells bother me too. I can’t handle loud sounds. They hurt my ears… You might as well just stick a toothpick in my ear.
I got off topic… I often do. I promised myself I wouldn’t edit these posts. I want people to know what you see is what you get with me. I’m not hiding anymore. I can’t… I see my daughter doing some of the same stuff I did when I was little. She is most likely an aspie as well. (Aspie = person with Asperger’s.) If I keep hiding, what does that teach her? That because she is different she should hide away? That is wrong… But now that I am trying to break out of this rut I’ve gotten myself into… I’m breaking myself.
Even though I’m breaking… I will never give up again. I have precious little eyes watching me now, and I want to teach her that she can achieve anything no matter what. So I will break the fuck out of myself so that I can rebuild myself into a role model for her and for anyone else that may be following me that is in the same rut as I am.
It is hard as hell and is going to be a rough road. But watch me as I fly with these broken wings of mine!

6 thoughts on “I Will Fly With Broken Wings

  1. This is a wonderful read. You know, I wish I sometimes I had the ability to write completely from the heart, as you evidently do here. Yet, as a perfectionist, I really struggle with the idea of not editing what I write! I must practise more really so thank you of reminding me to do that. I don’t suppose you have any tips on how to fully let go and do this?

    Also the accompanying image you’ve used really adds to the emotional intensity of this piece. You’re evidently a very brave person, and I commend you for that šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m also a perfectionist… When I started this blog I vowed to shake that. I kind of trick myself in a way. I tell myself to write and not worry about it, that I’ll edit it when I’m done… But then when I’m done I’ll take a deep breath and just click on publish without giving myself a chance to think about it. When you can do that it brings a rush of relief actually. Every person is different, though, so what works for me might not work for you.
      That image is a favorite image of mine that I saved to my pc long ago. When I wrote this I thought of that image, so I added it.
      Thank you for your comments. ^_^ I haven’t visited your blog yet, but judging by your name here, you are also brave. Mental health issues are a nasty enemy, and everyday we fight and we survive. šŸ™‚


  2. This was very inspiring. It is absolutely brave to write in complete honesty, so personally, and share your deepest struggles so openly. I have struggled with talking about my anxiety and life-issues in both my writing and with my closest relationships. To me, sharing is a task in itself; once my experiences leave my mouth, i’m scared I no longer have control over how they are perceived. At the same time, I’ve found so much value in talking to people and opening up about experiences once I actually do it. I admire your stream of conscious writing and strength to share aspects of your life in this blog!

    I love your reflection of how you can shut everyone out, but not your fiance. It’s absolutely wonderful to find that one person you can keep on the inside when all the other doors have to slam shut.

    Another thing that struck a chord with me was your inspirational desire to stay strong for your daughter. I have a mother who suffers deeply from depression and anxiety and she has not always been able to be there for me all the time. It’s been a rough road, and so your determination to be there for your daughter makes me smile. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m happy you find inspiration in my blog. This is why I’ve opened up and bared myself for all… In hopes that people that suffer the same can see that they’re not alone in their struggles.
      Never feel alone. I hid before as well. I fell into a deep depression from that that I’m still struggling to get fully out of. It’s like I have depression breathing down my back and anxiety standing in front of me.
      The trick that “unlocked” me… For lack of proper wording… is when something clicked in my brain. A lightbulb went off and I stopped caring how others perceived me or my issues. I stopped caring what people thought of me. Because what they think of me, won’t change who I am. What they think of me and my issues, won’t change a damn thing at all. That took the power away from others and gave it to me… So here I am.
      I feel for your Mom so much. My daughter missed a whole year of school because of my depression and anxiety. She’s missed a whole summer of being able to go outside and play. The pain I felt when I could see the hurt in her eyes when I wouldn’t take her to the park was unbearable. But instead of taking action my brain just wanted to retreat even more. Forgive your Mom, this is a really hard road to travel. ā¤
      You've inspired me to write another post, but it's late, so it won't be up until tomorrow. If every you need someone to talk to… Look me up. Just Google Zeftaria. I'm not hard to find. šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Zeftari! Is there a private messaging system on WordPress? I’m very new to all of this. For now, i’ll just reply to your reply haha. Thanks so much for sharing all of this with me and offering your time to talk! You’re incredibly kind and your strength is very motivational. I absolutely love how things can click for you ( i’m like that too) and once they click it is so freeing.
        Being the parent suffering from mental illness or being the child with a suffering parent are both such difficult roles to be in. It almost brought tears to my eyes reading how many things your daughter had to miss out on and the pain it causes you having to watch it happen, yet being helpless against it at times. It’s just so hard. It’s absolutely not your fault and its not her fault, and that can be really hard for a child to understand. It was something I had to learn on my own. In my experience, my mom has moments where she hugs me and kisses me and apologizes, but its short lived. Soon, her anxiety takes over again and I’m the one making the sacrifices. Of course I don’t blame her at all for it. It’s just difficult missing out on things my friends were doing since I was a child all the way to now as an adult, having to explain to family and friends why we can’t attend something, canceling our family trip to the zoo the morning of after being so excited for it for weeks as a second grader, and so on. I’ve talked about this a bit in counseling and it always amazes me how quick a counselor (or someone from an outside persepctive) is to say something like “you’re independent, you’re over 18, create boundaries from your mother, you’re not responsible for helping her, etc.” I’m always sitting there explaining how I’m willing to make the sacrifices no matter how hard it gets. I just accept that my mom loves me and she would give me all the happiness I needed if she was able to.
        I think that’s why it really resonated with me when you simply told me to forgive my mother. It’s something I strive towards every day, and something I try to explain to others all the time. It’s hard for others to not see her as the bad guy, in my experience. I personally never want to hold her accountable for what she can’t control. She seems to be suffering and that breaks my heart. That’s also why its beautiful for me to hear that you, as a parent, are taking so many steps towards taking control of your depression and anxiety with your daughter in mind. It’s such a difficult situation and love and effort are just so important.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m new to WordPress myself. Feel free to look me up on Facebook or twitter! I’m Zeftaria everywhere! I’ve had a busy day today, so going to write a quick post and eat some icecream! ^_^ I would love to keep in touch, though. It is very nice to hear from a child’s perspective. My childhood was horrible, but I’d rather not go there. That is something I keep mostly private to respect the privacy of other people that took part in it.
        Until I was older I did blame my Mom for a lot of things that I realize now I shouldn’t have. I hated her for the longest of times… Until I got older and realized things.
        Anyway! I would like to talk more, but ice cream is screaming my name right now and I’m winding down after a HUGE day of anxiety kicking goodness! ā¤

        Liked by 1 person

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