My day wasn’t so great. I had a shut down and a complete melt down. Taking a long nap was not enough to stop it. Before I was ashamed of these. I hid and told no one. Today I bare myself. I don’t even know how long I spent crying in the bathroom today. When I do that I shut everyone out except my fiance. He’s the only one I reach out to. That is one thing that has always puzzled me about him. Since the day we met I felt compelled to talk to him when I turned everyone else away. I had to talk to him… I had to think and figure myself out so that I could explain to him as best as I could. And he is always patient and listens and helps me. Even when I snap at him he remains patient and by my side. He’s the only one that can get through to me in my anger and melt downs and shut downs.
Today when I went to sleep it was because I hit overload and shut down. Then after getting up, things hit me again and I went into a melt down.
I don’t think people understand fully. My shut downs and melt downs are not often due to an overload of physical senses like light, sounds, smells, etc…. My triggers are real life issues and stress. I cannot handle stress. I was told by my old doctor that I do not have a chemical in my brain to deal with stress like “normal” people do. Stress physically hurts me in more ways than one. I don’t think I could ever describe it. I would like to add that physical senses get to me too. Too much light, reflecting off of multiple objects triggers my anxiety. How I hid that was looking down, away, or shielding my eyes brushing it off as “light sensitivity”… But sounds and smells bother me too. I can’t handle loud sounds. They hurt my ears… You might as well just stick a toothpick in my ear.
I got off topic… I often do. I promised myself I wouldn’t edit these posts. I want people to know what you see is what you get with me. I’m not hiding anymore. I can’t… I see my daughter doing some of the same stuff I did when I was little. She is most likely an aspie as well. (Aspie = person with Asperger’s.) If I keep hiding, what does that teach her? That because she is different she should hide away? That is wrong… But now that I am trying to break out of this rut I’ve gotten myself into… I’m breaking myself.
Even though I’m breaking… I will never give up again. I have precious little eyes watching me now, and I want to teach her that she can achieve anything no matter what. So I will break the fuck out of myself so that I can rebuild myself into a role model for her and for anyone else that may be following me that is in the same rut as I am.
It is hard as hell and is going to be a rough road. But watch me as I fly with these broken wings of mine!