Not Afraid of Failure

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I failed. I was wrong. I’m not afraid to admit it.

I thought I had a grand epiphany with my anxiety. I did… To a certain extent… But it was not enough.

Yesterday I landed in the Emergency Room. Why? Anxiety. I have really bad medical/health anxiety. Allergies set off my anxiety. I tried to control it with everything within me… Despite that it spiraled insanely out of control.

I spilled my guts to the nurse and doctor. I had to admit I couldn’t separate what was real and what my anxiety had induced. I felt tightness in my chest, was having trouble breathing, light headed, dizzy, migraines, my voice sounded different to me, my throat felt tight, there was a tickle in my chest, and occasionally a flutter of my heart….

The doctor listened to my chest for a long period. Lungs sound good, heart sounds good… The monitor showed me at 100% oxygen and my heart rate was good, given it was expected to race a bit due to anxiety. The doctor then asked me if I was on anything for my depression and anxiety and I told him no. He asked if I used to be and I said yes. He asked if I’d like him to put me back on it to which, without hesitation, I said “yes!” And then broke down and started crying right there on the hospital bed.

I cried because I was both relieved and a bit ashamed. But my shame soon left when the nurse told me that her and several others right there in the ER also suffered severe anxiety. The woman that was at the desk that checked me in also suffered health anxiety even.

Never feel alone. Never feel ashamed. Never stay silent. You are NOT alone!

I even found out that all of these horrid migraines, even the one that lasted 3 days and made me incredibly sick…. Anxiety and stress induced. The nurse that was in the room told me that when her anxiety gets high, she also suffers bad migraines.

I’m not alone, and neither are you.

People don’t realize just how much our minds control our bodies and thus turn into physical symptoms that are very real.

I’m now on generic forms of Celexa (for depression and anxiety) and Flonase (for allergies).

To end on a lighter note, had you seen me do a nasal spray for the first time this morning, you would have laughed. The first squirt made me nearly jump out of my chair. lol After that it went smoothly, though. For some odd reason in smells like sunblock to me. At least it wasn’t a bad smell. Imagine spraying something that smelled like Bengay up your nose… That would stink, quite literally!

Yesterday I learned that I can not handle this on my own, and that is perfectly okay. Yesterday I met people with the same anxieties as me. I tried so hard to avoid taking pills… But yesterday I learned that I need to accept the fact that I need them, and that’s okay too. I sat there and cried, because I finally just let go and welcomed the help I need to get relief. Yesterday I learned that my anxiety was far more out of control than I had thought.

So today I started my meds. Here’s to hoping I can finally kiss anxiety and the migraines farewell. As well as depression… Because I can feel it trying to seep back into my life as well…

-Zeftaria

 

 

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