The thing about anxiety is, even though you KNOW it is from anxiety and there is nothing REAL to fear…. Your body still hits fight or flight mode. There is no controlling it with logic. There is no controlling it at all.
I thought I had… I thought I had finally dug deep enough and kicked anxiety out.
I didn’t. I only built an illusion. I paid for it by winding up in the Emergency room. Anxiety can make your body physically react whether you want it to or not. In fact, I told them outright going into the ER…
“At this point I can’t tell what is real and what is anxiety induced… I really don’t know what is real and what isn’t.”
I broke completely. But in the end, I think I needed to. It was a very humbling experience. A huge slap in the face. I thought I was in control, and I wasn’t. I thought I had analyzed myself enough and could go it alone. I even thought I hit a breaking point where I could finally let anxiety go… But anxiety is a tricky little demon…
Feelings of anxiety can be confused with excitement.
In my mind I was excited that I finally had such an epiphany with my anxiety. I was excited at my progress… I was excited about the new apartment… But the thing was… Was that I wasn’t… I was ridden with anxiety disguised as excitement. Tricky tricky…
Another slap in the face was sitting on that bed in that cold bright room, and hearing that the anxiety was, more than likely, a side to my depression. That dark dark demon that I had battled and thought I’d won against long ago, is back to haunt me as well. So the doctor put me back on Celexa, along with Flonase for my lovely allergies.
So my fight continues. I’m not afraid of failing, I will just pick myself up and keep trying.