I hate when reality just smacks you in the face out of seemingly nowhere…
I was doing dishes today when all the sudden I just thought out of the blue,
“I can’t call Mom or Dad anymore.”
I wish that sometimes reality would leave me alone. Let me bask away in parenting, housework, gaming, or the zillion other things that I must do before classes start again. But no, in the midst of my bliss, reality always has to remind me.
I miss my parents beyond what any words could ever describe. Because I am poor and live a ways away from where my parents live, I was unable to visit them as often as I would have liked. My anxiety, depression, and illnesses were all very real barriers as well… And for this I have been judged harshly by others. “You hardly ever saw them!” I won’t say the meaner things here that I have been berated with. I wish they could have been me… Torn apart, poor, and have mental health issues. I wish they could feel the pain I do now. “You think I liked not being able to visit???” I want to scream in their faces. I want to open their chests and rip their hearts out, but them in a blender, and then sew them back into their limp bodies… And then ask them if that makes them feel better, because that’s what they might as well have done to me.
At least Mom and Dad understood.
I talked to both of them about my parallelizing anxiety and crippling depression. We had long talks. They still love me, and they didn’t judge me for it. And how many times I visited them has nothing to do with how much I love them. It is sad that I constantly have to remind myself of this lately.
I love my parents more than you could ever know, and they loved me the same if not more… End of story. Your words can never change that!