Again, it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I’ve been going in and out of depression pretty badly, so have been mostly hiding. I haven’t been having an easy time, to say the least.
This all has caused me to do a lot of deep thinking. I need to find my balance, my center, again. I’ve been off-kilter for awhile now and I just miss how I used to be… I used to be happy and enjoying life for the most part. My depression wasn’t near as bad, nor was my anxiety.
So how can I get my old self back?
This is answered with more questions –
- What was I doing back then?
- What was my outlook on life like?
- What were my interests?
- What is different now that has a negative affect on my life?
The answers –
- I was true to myself… I dressed how I liked. I am goth at heart. I like creepy things, dark things, I like dressing dark. Things that I haven’t been able to do lately due to finances… I have a closet full of hand-me-downs and things I found for sale that was “okayish” that I have to deal with. I kept true to my interests and pursued things I liked despite any negative feedback from others. Simply put… I was me freely.
- My outlook on life was positive. I had hopes and dreams and thought I could reach the sky if I wanted to. Nothing could get in my way. I could achieve anything! Now… Not so much. I’ve become a parent, which stops me from doing a lot of things I had once dreamed of. That is okay, I love my daughter and wouldn’t trade her for the world. So my hopes and dreams have changed along with that… But also I have more doubt now. I’m older, 33, and I’m unemployed. I’m filing for disability. That hurts. So again I must rethink my life. Now I’m not so sure of anything anymore.
- My interests back then revolved around horses, and much to my family’s dismay, paganism. I was Wiccan back then. Despite that, I never lost my Christian beliefs. That’s a whole different story for another time. During my late 20’s I met a horse that put a fear of horses into me. I had lost all desire to ride or be around them. I felt completely lost as being around horses was my sole dream from when I was a kid. I think this is when my depression started to worsen as well. I was gutted and lost. As far as the Wiccan thing goes, I am a Christan now. Do I have the desire to go back to Wiccan? No, I don’t. Other interests I had were crafting and drawing. Things I abandoned as I got older and completely gave up when I became a Mom. Simply because I didn’t have the time. As far as gaming goes, I was a console gamer back then, but due to financial constraints, didn’t have that many different games. But I enjoyed what I had.
- I don’t do me. I’m not true to myself anymore. My outlook on life has become quite negative, even to the point of wishing I were dead. The only interest I have kept is gaming… But recently I’ve been losing interest in that as well… Not because I want to, mind you, but rather due to severe depression. It is horrible what severe depression can do to you, not only in your mind but also physically.
How can I improve myself?
Eating healthy is the first step. As much as I preach about eating right, I have fallen. When depression hits I stop caring about my health and this is bad. I eat things I shouldn’t, then feel like crap afterward, which just feeds my depression more. I need to be more vigilant when I’m in a depressed state and force myself to eat right.
I need to push myself to get physical activity in daily. I live a far too sedentary lifestyle. I used to workout 3 hours a day. I felt great at that time in my life. I need to push myself to get back to that. I will start slowly with 30 minutes to an hour of exercise and work my way up.
Back to Black. I am goth. I always have been and always will be. It’s in my veins. I’ve been dressing like a frumpy Mom for far too long now. I’ve tried to be “bright and colorful” to help make me happy… When really it actually just makes me more depressed. Why? Because it just isn’t who I am. I find it kind of funny that people automatically think that if you dress in all black that you must be depressed. For a lot of us, it is quite the opposite. I was happiest when I was shrouded in black.
Another big misconception of goth is that it is just a fashion… It is actually more than that. Mind you, everyone has their own personal opinion of what “goth” truly is… And even among goths, there is judgment. Anyway… Goth goes deeper than just fashion. It is part of who we are. We prefer night over day, darkness over light, the creepy and spooky things. For instance, I find snakes and spiders as adorable. I love anything skeletal. I would decorate in bones and black satin if I had the funds to do so! I love skeletons of animals especially. I find them fascinating and pretty. Think I’m weird? Yeah… A lot do. That, too, goes along with being “goth”.
[Fun fact: I also love anything super cute and pastel (kawaii)!]
So to get back in touch with myself and do me again… I will dress how I used to. Since I can’t afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe, I have instead invested in black fabric dyes. I’m also going to shop around for some cute patches that I can sew on. I have ideas in my head. Time to create!
About interests… Even though I lost my interest (more like obsession) with horses, I have others. Arts and crafts, writing, gaming, hobby farms, different cultures. The only thing that I kept true on is gaming. I don’t play on consoles hardly at all anymore, though… I’ve moved to PC gaming. I’ve just started to get back into drawing. Oh, how rusty I have become!!! But practice makes perfect and I will dig my talent back out eventually! I’ve also have gotten back into cross stitching and a new craft to me – felting. I’ve even gotten a digital drawing tool so that I can expand my art to the digital world. Writing… As much as I keep saying this and then not doing it… I really do want to keep this blog up more. Now that I have quit university, I will have more time to do so. Another thing that really blocked me was no content to really write about, or just not knowing what to write about… But with my new lifestyle changes in the coming weeks, I should have plenty of content worth documenting here! As far as hobby farms… That is a dream of mine now… To have a little hobby farm with cute little goats, chickens, miniature horses, and donkeys maybe… Llamas? I don’t know. It depends on how things go in the future. On the topic of other cultures, I like learning about them. I find other cultures fascinating and like learning about the differences in between them and the culture I grew up in. My particular favorites are Asian cultures. Especially Japan and South Korea.
So I’ve already begun the journey.
Things that I have changed in just the past couple of weeks… I’ve gotten back to my drawing. I’m dabbling also in digital art. I’ve started other crafts. These things added to my gaming make me happier in and of themselves. I still have lows, but I’m hoping after a bit more changes that I will have a more positive outlook on life and be much happier.
Sorry if this has been a TLDR…
I just enjoy writing here about things… When I have something to write about and my brain doesn’t blank out. lol
Let me know what you think. Do you think I’m on to something here? That I’m headed in the right direction?
Are you true to yourself? Why or Why not? What is stopping you if you aren’t?
I will also probably play around with the theme here on WordPress a bit. I feel like my entire blog needs an overhaul… I need to update nearly everything. My blog has gone in a completely different direction that I thought it would when I started it.
What is your favorite theme? What do you think would look nice on my blog? Any thoughts?